Empty House = Racing Thoughts

The house is empty, and quiet.  I’m alone with my thoughts, and my mind won’t stop racing.

I’m frustrated that I must constantly censor my life due to my ex-husband,and his family/friends, having nothing better to do than to spy on me.  There was a reason that I did not tell Josh that I am pregnant – it isn’t his child, therefore, not his business.  Nonetheless, lousy snoopers blabbed, and now he knows.

I now expect to hear about my life whenever I hear from Josh.  I post for MY friends and family.  There are people that do not get to see Annabelle or I much, therefore, Facebook and my blog are how they keep up with what’s new in our lives.  My awesome Aunt Kathy, who I only see once every couple of years, remembered what Mark and I plan to name our son – Christopher – because she saw it on Facebook.

I guess my topic today is a bit of scattered thoughts.  I was thinking about Annabelle, and how the craziness that we have been through, in the past year and a half, will affect her.

Have I been too protective of her, or not protective enough?

What about the incident last Christmas and New Year’s?  When she asks what happened between Mommy and Daddy, do I omit that part so that she doesn’t resent her father?  Or, if I do tell her, how I do word it so that the pain and anger, that I still feel, doesn’t come through?

Will her father still want to be a part of her life, in a year or two?  He’s already asked to sign over his rights to Annabelle, and I seriously believe that he will, again.

How can someone not want to be a part of Annabelle’s life?  She’s been at her father’s for 5 days, and I miss her like crazy, already.  I call and talk to her everyday, and most days, I cry when I hang up.

A part of me wants to let Josh sign over his rights – get this whole thing over with permanently.  But, another part of me thinks that Annabelle has the right to make her own decision about her father.

The big question is – which part is right?  Josh is rarely around anyway, but he seems to be getting better with Annabelle, and she seems happy when she sees him.

But, Josh plans to move to Kentucky (last I heard) when he gets out of the Air Force, in March.  Then what?  Are the courts going to expect me to drive halfway to Kentucky, multiple times a year, for Annabelle to visit with her father for a few days?  Or are they going to make her go for extended periods of time?  I don’t think that is what is best for Annabelle – not to mention that I would miss her so much.

How do I keep Annabelle from getting forgotten when her father has a new baby to tend to?  He wasn’t around when Annabelle was a newborn/infant, so how is going to have time to learn how to care for a newborn/infant AND take care of Annabelle.

I need to get out of the house, and get my mind off things, or I will sit around all day and worry myself to death about what is going to happen.

Off to lunch with Dad and the motorcycle guys, so, as always…….



Annabelle,  I will love you for forever and a day.

Auf Weidershen


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